It has been a while since I have had a flashback. Another patient in my room did not answer his phone, and it continued to ring for 3 minutes. Something about the continued ringing made me think of the ringing of the whistles at the site, as people would blow the whistles to signal that they may have found someone or that they heard something. It was the sound that would let you know to be quite so that they could listen to see if there was someone there. Once the thought came back I could see myself back there at the site, standing on the mound, passing buckets forward and slowly moving up the line. I could smell the ashes, hear the noises, see the dust on my hands… I rang for the nurse asking to talk to the doctor about medication, so he tells me he calls for the doctor, but as time continues to go on the doctor doesn’t come. Finally another nurse comes in and tells me that there was an order for anxiety medication I could have got two hours ago, so I ask to get it, than my nurse blames me for not asking for it, when I did not know that I had it in the first place. After two hours of flashbacks it takes a few hours for the medication to start working, while I am not totally relaxed yet, I am not thinking about the events, smelling the fire, or feeling the rubble below my feet. It is going to take time for me to start feeling more relaxed, I am also still angry about the fact that the nurse did not look in my file and let me know that I had the medication available.

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